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Let's dive deep into sex, love and the foundation of it all: REAL intimacy.  

Before getting started, let me tell you what love truly means for me, in a nutshell: It is the delicate interplay of trust, belonging, attachment, interdependence, benevolence, room for growth, emotional safety, shared experiences and freedom. Sprinkled with lust and attraction.

Disclaimer: Sex between two people should always be consensual. The different ideas when it comes to sexual topics are genuinely okay.

"Having sex without being in love is better 
than not having sex at all." 

Hugh Hefner

Many people believe in Hugh Hefner's idea, including one of Berlin’s successful businesswomen Nina, whom we had the honor to interview for this article.

Nina shared some honest and captivating insights into her life: She described her enthusiasm for going on dates, the adrenaline rush of meeting intriguing strangers and, beneath it all, she also revealed a strong sense of feeling deeply empty within. She craves for more meaningful connections.

What you will learn about in this article:

• Sex without love vs. Sex with love - is there a “right” or “wrong”?

• The (neuro)science of it all

• What are the main differences between sex and love?

• The role of REAL intimacy

• Conclusion: How do love & sex coexist?

Meet Nina:

She's not just into going on dates. Nope.

Nina head-first dives into them, sometimes even having multiple per week. 

While she enjoys the physical aspect, what truly excites her is the thrill of spending euphoric time with an attractive guy with whom she “just feels chemistry with”.

And from one woman to another, Nina undeniably is a fascinating person.

This is one big reason why many guys love having "no-strings-attached" fun and intimacy with her. 

And yet, she shared with us how she often feels a bit down and blue after these rendezvous. After all, what she really desires, besides the physical fun she experiences, is an emotional connection. A connection she can reliably count on in various situations of life.

Do ONS really make up for the emotional connection many seek? How meaningful is sexual chemistry in peoples life? My own experiences have provided some insights, but I completely understand the various perspectives on this matter. There’s the physical side of it, the relational side, the emotional and experiential side.

If you seek a deep connection, yet you want to explore yourself and others sexually do so and keep in mind that there’s more to it - especially when seeking a deeper emotional connection.

What's crucial is that you form your own opinion: Not necessarily mine, not necessarily Nina’s.

Why? There's no absolute right or wrong here and every person is unique. 

Sex is something intimate; it's not without reason that many people want to share the experience with the person they love.

A deep, emotional connection between partners creates the perfect conditions for intimate sexual experiences. 

I believe in the power of science, as it not only adds substance but also fosters heightened awareness and consciousness in our understanding. With this in mind, I’d like to share with you insights on the (neuro)science of it all..

Lust (Understanding Sexual Behavior):

When experiencing lust, our prefrontal cortex, responsible for cognition, diminishes its capacity for healthy decision-making, leading to a loss of control over suppressing unacceptable behaviors driven by sexual urges. 

Simultaneously, our hypothalamus, a component of the limbic system governing motivations, emotions, memories, and bodily functions, releases pleasure and reproduction hormones—testosterone and estrogen. 

These sexual hormones trigger the release of the pleasure hormone dopamine, resulting in an addictive sense of euphoria. When excessive, this intoxicating sensation proves addictive, escalating our dependence on it and laying the foundation for potential addiction.

The release of various sexual hormones, coupled with the loss of control and a literal loss of mindfulness, often culminates in sexual behavior and a lack of impulse control.

Attraction (From Sex to Love):

Attraction manifests through key physiological responses prompted by the sympathetic nervous system, evoking intense excitement similar to the 'fight or flight' response. This passionate state leads to arousal resembling the physiological effects of fear and excitement.

Stress, whether acute or in measured doses, influences attraction by activating the sympathetic nervous system, causing temporary increases in testosterone and cortisol. This enhances sexual desire and emotional connections. 

Cortisol, the stress hormone, when released in response to attraction-related stimuli, is linked to the formation of social attachments, especially when fostering a secure environment together. 

The heightened release of the reward hormone dopamine results in compulsive thinking and a strong desire for proximity, reinforcing positive associations and repeated rewarding behavior.

Attachment (Building Love):

Over time, typically around six months, the initial fight-or-flight feelings transform. 

A mutual safe environment facilitates the release of the love and bonding hormone oxytocin, diminishing obsessive thinking. This transformation applies to various types of relationships—romantic, friendships, and business relationships. 

Oxytocin induces calmness, security, stability, and provides the foundation for positive social interactions. The longing for proximity becomes more pronounced than the desire for lust.

Although sexual behavior remains a part of this stage, it is no longer as urgent and certainly not more crucial than the shared love and trust.

In this stage, the parasympathetic nervous system, regulated by oxytocin, fosters relaxation and safety in attachment, countering the stress, excitement and anxiety associated with the sympathetic nervous system during attraction. 

Now, let's circle back to Nina's experiences. Despite her pursuit of casual fun, her body released oxytocin and other neurotransmitters during those encounters.

Here's the deal: when people get intimate, oxytocin gets released into their systems. This happens whether attachment is in the air or not. Coming down from this hormonal release is not for the faint.

It led her body to feel drained, used and empty afterward.

Think of it as going on a big night out and paying the price the next day: Feeling bad, low on energy and emotionally drained.

Sex with Love

• Stronger emotional connection automatically translates into more intimacy and trust between you and your partner.

  And to be quite real here: Being both physically and emotionally stimulated by the same person is something else … it is transformative, healing, easy.

• Love gives you intense feelings from within, naturally. Leading to a more genuine exploration and adoration of each other's bodies. There’s no end goal, rather an enjoyment of the moment and sensual experience.

  Sex with love is not just about physical satisfaction; it's about cherishing every moment together.

• Love isn't a fleeting emotion.

  With every intimate moment, whether it be emotionally, physically, intellectually, your emotional bond grows stronger, laying the foundation for a lasting and satisfying relationship on many levels.

• When you're in love, the physical act triggers the release of feel-good hormones, like oxytocin, often called the "love hormone" based on calm, secure attachment.

  These hormones make you feel loved and deeply connected to your partner.

• Love encourages open and honest talks about what you both desire. This leads to a more fulfilling and enjoyable experience between the sheets.

Sex without Love

• There tends to be less emotional connection, hence less trust and intimacy between you and your partner.

  In some (alias most of the) cases, physical intercourse can be misunderstood as “emotional connection” due to physical, but not entirely safe attachment.

Click here for a refresher

• The exploration of each other's bodies might not be as intense or genuine, as it can be more focused on physical satisfaction rather than emotional connection.

  This can also be one of the very same reasons why many of us might feel “used”, empty or numb after they have sex with strangers or people they do not know all too well. 

• In purely physical relationships, the focus is on pleasure and gratification rather than building a long-lasting connection.

• Without the presence of deep emotional connection in purely physical relationships, the release of pleasure-inducing hormones, such as oxytocin, might be less pronounced, as the stress level is high. 

  This can impact the overall sense of satisfaction and connection between partners.

• Partners may not engage in as open or frequent communication about their desires and preferences, which can potentially lead to a less fulfilling and personally satisfying experience for both individuals involved.

A kind reminder: You are unique. 😊🙏🏽 So indeed, besides these distinctions, there are other aspects that can influence the experience.

We've discussed how love and emotions can play a significant role in enhancing the sexual experience and yet … there is more to it.

Intimacy - who!? Intimacy is the state of deep familiarity and connection between two people. It's that profound feeling of closeness, where you share not just your bodies but also your emotions, thoughts, desires and experiences on a very personal level.

When you communicate with your sexual partner on an equal level, it automatically creates more trust, which is the prerequisite for an intimate connection. Because when you open up to each other in deep conversations, several remarkable things happen:

• Letting yourself go becomes easier, enhancing the intensity of enjoyable sexual experiences without the stress of performance.

• You can prevent misunderstandings or hurt feelings, as you both understand each other's vision of the relationship better.

• Together, you can decide how intimate your sexual relationship becomes and in which direction you are desiring to develop it.

Nina emphasized the importance of considering the needs of both parties equally in intimate relationships. No need for judgment; all perspectives are valid and okay. This is what we stand for at Inner Aesthetics too.

It is essential to remember that intimacy doesn't always require engaging in sexual activities. For instance, asexual individuals can also cultivate deep, intimate relationships without a need for sexual closeness.

There are different kinds of intimacies, please find an overview below:

Everyone is different, and everyone has different needs and desires when it comes to their relationships and intimacy. Therefore, there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Becoming aligned and compatible is the outcome of shared interpersonal growth.

So, Maria, what is the conclusion? How do love & sex coexist?

It doesn’t take much to know, that it is entirely possible to experience sex without love and it's equally valid to seek love and emotional connection in your sexual experiences. Every person is individual and their unique needs and wishes ought to be respected.

So while it of course is possible and pleasurable, experiencing sex with a partner with whom there is a healthy attachment and love feels much more fulfilling and enjoyable. Big Thank You to all the gentlemen who commented on that Instagram story.. Your insights resonate - engaging intimately with someone we love not only feels much better but is also truly worth pursuing.

Ultimately, it's about knowing yourself, your desires, what you like, what you are curious about and what doesn’t align. Beware of getting caught up in the dopamine high when what you truly desire is a consistent release of oxytocin. It is up to you to decide what works best for you and how you want to navigate the intricate world of intimacy, sex and relationships.

Nevertheless, I invite you to go deep within and reflect on your experiences and current views. What does your intuition tell you?

If you're currently in a sexual (love) relationship, take a moment to reflect on these questions:

How deep is the intimacy in your relationship? 

Have you openly communicated your needs and desires? 

And how much has your partner been able to open up to you? 

What role do benevolence and impartiality play in your relationship?

Are you the kind of person you would like to be with?

The last question truly is my personal favorite. Realizing that becoming the kind of person I'd like to be with brought me on my journey of self-discovery and authenticity.

Learning to cultivate non-judgment by fully accepting yourself and extending that acceptance to others too goes a long way. Who doesn’t want to be met with acceptance?

I’d love to share one more question with you:

What keeps you from truly creating healthy attachment and love?

In the end, it is about considering the potential outcomes of our actions and their impact on our wellbeing, based on our true values. We all want this great human experience to feel special.

Yours & with much gratitude

Maria Vanessa

Founder & Mentor Inner Aesthetics

PS: Consider Inner Aesthetics as your Wellness Sanctuary designed for balance, ease and meaningful connections. Here the nurturing of your inner health is a priority, not just a luxury. 

Our mission is to redefine Wellness, going beyond the physical to embrace the effortless elegance of a balanced life.

Some even say it's the key to unlocking all your desires … Feel invited to see for yourself  :)

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